A Crucible is a vessel made of clay or metal that is designed to withstand very high temperatures. It is used to melt metals in order to remove the impurities off the top so that the metal that remains... is it's purest form.
I haven't posted a blog in a while. I've been waiting. Waiting on what? Well... to be completely transparent and honest...I've been waiting on an answer to a specific question from God. It's a question we all ask eventually in life. It's a question that taunts us, surrounds us, and really never completely gets a FULL answer in this human life. The question is... "Why?"
Since this journey started in January, I've known nothing but sickness and pain. Sickness from several different types of chemo and pain from so many different surgeries, treatments, and chapters of this journey, such as; moving my ovaries, radiation burn in every crevice of my pelvic area, throwing up, bathroom issues that go from one extreme to the next (trying not to gross you out here,) arthritis, neuropathy in my feet from chemo (a horrible painful tingling sensation that never goes away,) recovery from removing my rectum and inserting a ileostomy bag for my bowel output, and now a drain that literally comes out of my butt cheek (insert emoji of me slapping myself in the face! lol) Each process of this journey has been breaking me down a little at a time. You start off strong and positive that you can handle all that will be thrown at you... and to a point... you can...but there's a problem. There's an end to MY strength. It has a limit. There is a point where my body begins to scream, "No More!!!" No more tests, no more surgeries, no more scans, no more needles (I so hate needles) no more pills,...NO MORE!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!! Well... Here I am folks, I'm at the place of, "No More!" I can't do this anymore!! MY strength is wiped, it's gone, it's depleted! There's no more fight left in me, and each talk of another blood draw makes me fall into a pitiful puddle of tears.. to which my husband just holds me, while saying nothing (which is priceless) and just lets me fall apart on Him... By the way, he is my Jesus in flesh. Just holding me when there are no words to be spoken. He drives me to every doctors appointment, scan... you name it... HE'S THERE! HE'S ALWAYS THERE! I am blessed to have him as my rock. He is a Godly example of the Father loving the Church and giving Himself for the Church! I love you baby!
To put it plainly..."I'M DONE!"
I've come to a beautiful point, that doesn't feel so beautiful, but it's called..."the end of me!" The reason for it's beauty is because that's where God can finally take over. You see as long as I have me, my strength, my fight... I don't need God... I got it! But when He FINALLY get's me to "The end of me," God can begin to fight for me, and His word and promises become my strength when mine has faded. And as I lie here on my bed, hurting, broken, wrecked, and just honestly... A hOt mEsS... I find myself asking God... "Why?" I've been asking that question for a while now. Why the pain, why the journey, why the DAYS AND WEEKS I lie here in this bed, USELESS to my family and His Church?! I WANTED AN ANSWER FROM GOD!!! I wanted to hear His voice from the pages of His word and love letter to my soul on WHY He has not taken the pain away. WHY the journey just continues, and just when I think there may be an end in sight, we take another dirt road!
Now let me quickly insert something here! What gives me perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself, what makes me choose to get out of the bed and take a lap around my kitchen when it would simply be easier to just stay in the bed and take another pain pill, what makes me choose LIFE instead of DEATH, is knowing so many others have it WAAAY harder than I do!!! I just lost a sweet friend that had been going through cancer treatments during the same time as me. We have laughed together, cried together, shared blessings, songs, sweet stories, and marched around that treatment room with our little IV/chemo rolling poles because we were determined not to sit there and get discouraged! Her Cancer was stage 4 and had spread to multiple organs in her body and God saw in His sovereignty to take her and leave me. Seven days before she passed she sent me a message that said, "...I think my time here is about over. I'm so glad you made it my friend. Please keep carrying on for the Lord. I know you will." That's perspective. I get to live. I get to stay. I made it. I get to see my kids grown up. God is not through with me!
The question still lingered in my mind though... "Why?". You see, if you have never experienced the voice of God through the pages of the Bible, then you have no idea what I'm talking about. You don't know what it feels like for the HOPE, ENCOURAGEMENT, JOY and even CORRECTION to come flooding in, giving you EXACTLY what you need in the precise moment you need it! I knew that if God could speak directly to every specific situation I face, then, if He chooses, He could also answer "Why?" I use to be scared to ask why. Thinking maybe it would show my lack of faith, or perhaps it might make God mad; no, that's not the God I read of in the scriptures. You see, I truly am seeking to know why! I'm not angry, I'm not looking to other sources, I'm not asking a rhetorical question! I knew that if I was seeking Him with all my heart and looking for Him intently, then if He chooses, He would give me a small glimmer into WHY He has allowed it all to continue and it has not ended yet... because that was what was bother me. Why it just keeps on going... one treatment to the next, one procedure to the next... "Why?" I already knew some of the why that God had shown me through scripture.. the bigger picture of why, but I have prayed and prayed for God to stop the pain, to take it away, TO GIVE ME MY BODY BACK... and He hasn't.. so I needed to know WHY.
Well today.... He showed me. Oh to hear straight from the mouth of my Savior, through His word, why He has chosen to let the pain persist and the road continue. It brought immediate peace to my soul, and healing to my spirit, in a way no pain reliever ever could! I wanted to hear from my Father! People mean well, and we all have our thoughts on why we go through pain or suffering. Yes, most of those perspectives are right as well, but I didn't want to hear a human perspective, I wanted to hear straight from my Creator's mouth, straight from the Source, straight from the One who designed the journey I am on.
I love to read consecutively and daily through the word...instead of just finding random places to open the scriptures; closing my eyes, and giving my best blinded point, hoping it's not some irrelevant passage that leaves me more confused than when I started. Well, today I was in Proverbs 17, (It is believed that Solomon is the author of Proverbs because of the wisdom and wise sayings it holds.) As I began to read this morning, I was puddle. I started my time as I always do, praying, "Holy Spirit, speak to me. Your servant is listening. I need you today." and once again begging, "God show me why you have allowed this to continue, why all the pain, why have you not taken this yet?" THREE VERSES IN, God lit up the pages and caught my attention. You see, when you are desperate, you hang on to every word of every verse... It's all important. I didn't want to miss ANYTHING God might be showing me. Well, tucked away is a small verse with GREAT meaning. I knew the verse well, I've even talked about the verse, but God had not brought it to my attention SPECIFICALLY relating to MY journey. Proverbs 17:3 says, "A crucible for silver, and a smelter for gold, and the Lord is the tester of hearts."
You see, a crucible is used to place silver or precious metals inside, and then heat at EXTREMELY hot temperatures, so that all of the impurities will float to the top in order for them to be removed. This process will happen over and over again until all that is left is the silver in it's purest form.
God often places us in the crucible, putting us into situations that are hot, that are intended to BREAK US DOWN.. in other words, the longer you hold on to your own strength and will, the longer you will be in that heat! Coming to the end of you and your strength is part of the design, it's part of the break down process, it was His plan all along.
The process is not complete though until the impurities are EXPOSED and REMOVED. This is the painful part. It's in the HOT seasons of life that the UGLY, the IMPURE, the UNHOLY, the parts that don't look like Jesus are EXPOSED... but that is by design. He wants us to see them. He wants us to recognize them as they surface to the top, so they can be REMOVED! How are they removed? By taking us through the fire over and over and over again... until all that is left is us in our purest form... until we look like Him! So much of my UGLY has been exposed to me during this process; stubbornness, selfishness, pride, independence, doubt, anger... the list goes on. God is revealing EVERYTHING that does not look like His Son. And sadly, it has taken me this long to finally come to the end of me, to break me down until I am a melted puddle, void of shape... so that He could remove all my impurities, and then pour me into a NEW MOLD that is in the likeness of His son. He is remaking me!
Lastly, at the end of that verse it says, "...and the Lord is the tester of hearts." To be tested, is to be evaluated, to see if something is real and genuine. This journey has without a doubt, tested my faith in God... not of His existence, but do I really believe all of the truths I know through the word, do I really believe His promises, do I believe that my God is faithful and has a plan for me... even though I can't see it right now??!! Mark my words friends, the same God who has brought me through the fire before, will once again deliver and be found faithful!! His word has NEVER failed!! He knows our sufferings and has experienced suffering like none other when he was crucified on the cross. The root word in, "crucified," is "cruc" meaning, cross, torture, crisis... it's the same root word in,"crucible!" God has intentionally put you and I in a situation that is too big for us, a crisis, trouble! God knows ex'cruc'iating pain. He can relate to our physical and emotional hurts!!
So what fire are you in? I know it's hot and I'm so sorry!! This process has given me a new empathy for those who go through pain.. whether physical or emotional. I encourage you dear friend to surrender to the process... It's ok to BREAK DOWN and FALL APART.. He can't start the process of removing the impurities until you do. I encourage you to lean on His strength in the word and not your own... your strength and resources have an end, they are limited... oh but His grace and strength have no end! Stop fighting on your own and let your God fight for you!! Side note: You win NOTHING by bragging about your own strength and independence.. you simply slow the process and prolong your time in the fire. And lastly, let God finish the process of pouring the new you, your purest form, into a NEW mold that is formed into the likeness of His son... so that.. the world will see Jesus through your journey... not you. The world needs to know of their Creator's strength, not yours, that their God can fight their battles...not that we have to keep fighting when we are least equipped to fight.
May my faith be tested and evaluated so that I like Job may say, "...when he has tested me, I will EMERGE as pure gold!!" Job 23:10