Longing for the past will delay your growth in the future!
It's not fun. It's not fair. It's not how I expected my life to look. I know Tuesday is coming, my third round of chemo. I'll sit down in a treatment room, early Tuesday morning, where for the next five hours I'll receive my third round of two types of chemo. I'll look around the room at the many faces who are on, like me, their own journey to healing. If I'm dead honest... I don't like that room. It smells funny, it's discouraging, it's cold in temperature and environment, and it feels like a hospital, however; the nurses are GOLD, and I couldn't ask for sweeter faces to greet me! When that treatment is finished, they will then begin a third type of chemo that comes in a take home fanny pack form...yep, a fanny pack lol, I'm just cool like that:), and will hook to my port, which will continue to pump chemo in me until Thursday. Throughout those days I will experience any combination of nausea, diarrhea, flu like symptoms, TERRIBLE stomach acid, and exhaustion. I wish I could tell you that all those symptoms and side effects go away when they remove the pack and port on Thursday, but unfortunately, the symptoms just get worse and then I go through a period of dehydration. The following Tuesday I will go in and receive fluids, which I don't enjoy because they make me feel light headed and confused, but I know they help my dehydration, so I sit there.... all the while thinking, "Just get through this Georgia, you are almost there!".. because I know... Wednesday it coming!!!!! What is so special about Wednesday you ask?! Well... Wednesday is where I will wake up, and because of those fluids and other medication they give me on Tuesday, I WILL FEEL LIKE A NEW WOMAN!!! Most of the symptoms and side effects will have dulled and my energy starts to increase.... And that's where I start an imaginary timer in my head, because I know I have from Wednesday until that following Monday to get in all of the quality time I can with my family and friends. My goal is to maximize those "Good" days as much as possible. I want to live each day to the max because I know.... Tuesday is coming, and treatment will start all over again.
I just want to say, typing all of that just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't tell you all of this for pity. I really don't even like to talk about it. When I'm in my stretch of, "Good days" I want to forget what is in the past and focus on today. I don't like to think about my next round of chemo or that stupid fanny pack... because all it does is steal from my potential to make memories today!!
Many have asked, "So how long will you continue chemo? or what is the plan looking ahead?" Well... see... that's the thing... we don't know. Now, that does NOT mean that my doctors don't care or don't have a plan, they do! But each cancer case is different and they want to cater my treatment as we go. So as of right now, after we finish 4 rounds of treatment, they will do a scan of the tumor to see if it has shrunk. If it has, and health wise, I'm ok...then we may continue with 4 more rounds of chemo before we switch to chemo and radiation together.
So....how am I doing? That's a loaded question... so I'm gonna keep the answer simple. If I let it, this could consume me. The fact that I don't know what my future holds, and I long for NORMAL in my life could take over my mind if I let it. It's so tempting to just want to, "Get through it," and get back to normal...whatever normal may look like. But I know that God does nothing by accident and everything on purpose. Which means there's a purpose in my pain and I can't waste this gift, yes, I said gift, on longing for things to be the way they use to be or just trying to get back to NORMAL!
ALL of Hebrews eleven is about faith! It's a beautiful chapter written by an unknown author and he is reminding the reader that we have to live by faith, just like Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Sara and COUNTLESS others! Verse one tells us exactly what faith is, "Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen." In other words.. it's obedience. It's taking a step when you can't see where your foot will land, but those invisible steps get easier because you begin to learn that you can trust the one who is guiding those steps. There is SOOOOO much in this chapter, but God really made verse fifteen and sixteen stand out in my reading this morning. They read, "If they were thinking about where they came from, they would have had an opportunity to return. But they now desire a better place- a heavenly one." THEIR MINDS WERE NOT ON WHAT THEY LEFT BEHIND. We can never go forward as long as we are looking back. If you are longing for what is in the rearview mirror then you are missing the scenery in front of you... not to mention stunting your spiritual growth. These great people of the faith in Hebrews eleven had their minds on a heavenly calling and their eyes fixed on a BIGGER purpose than anything this earth could offer. Paul said it right in Philippians three, verse thirteen. He said, 'I'm' "Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus.".... Paul said, I'm choosing to FORGET what was in the past. I can't hold on to it. Whatever our past looks like..whether sweet, painful, good memories, or sorrow.... WE CAN'T LIVE THERE...We have to go forward. To long for anything in my past, or to dwell on what should have been, only steals from my present and then ruins my future! I serve a God who is STILL currently working in my life and has never stopped. He is the God of ALL my days, and that includes my future! He is not shocked by anything that is happening to me. In fact, He is the one who is orchestrating it all!!
For me to long for my life I use to have, says that God was in my past but not in my future....and that is NOT SO!! Paul and these great people of the faith that the writer in Hebrews mentions, all had something in common... LOOKING BACK WAS NOT AN OPTION.. There was no retreat, no surrender!! Forward was their only gear!... So, what is my goal and prize that Paul talks about, what is this heavenly home that is mentioned in Hebrews?!....To see my sweet Jesus' face one day as He tells me "Well done, my good and faithful servant." There is NO prize that this world could offer me, that could compare to seeing my Savior one day!! My goal and prize is far bigger than anything in this fading, decaying world! God, may I keep my eyes on You during this season, never looking back, or longing for Normal! I don't want my life to be, "normal," I want it to be abundant!!
Longing for the past will only delay my growth in the future!!